Author Archive


Posted: September 23, 2011 by Hevel in Family

“I’m drawing a blank…. If a blank could be drawn-”

“-But it can’t because you are saying it and not drawing it. So why say it?”

“Because if it’s blank you won’t even be able to tell that it’s drawn; Therefore, I shall need to inform you that a blank has been drawn to keep you in the know.  Right?”

“Wrong ’cause you’re ridiculous.”

“Do all of your comebacks have to include and insult?”

She paused to think, and, hey, while she was at it I thought I might as well too. I don’t know where we are and for all I know, we’re in a dream. That would explain why I can’t distinctly see the things around me.  Maybe, I am about to pass out from dizziness and that’s why things are very blurry and unclear. I tried to focus on the girl in front of me, but almost immediately after, I couldn’t see her much either clearly.

Beginning to panic, I felt shaky. I tried to remember where I was before this conversation. If I couldn’t remember where I was than maybe something weird happened like Inception and this is all just a bad dream.

“Are you okay? You don’t look okay.”

“Great, another insult,” I thought.

I didn’t have time to reply. I had to figure out how to fix this mess that was my train of thought. My head felt like a ton of bricks on my shoulders as I began to sway from side to side. The girl in front of me now can only be distinguished by the dirty blonde color of her hair and the blue shirt that she is wearing. Her voice becoming more distant and desperate as she tries to help me stay up right. She seemed to be calling out to me from several yards away, though, I thought she was right next to me.  My blurry vision turned to gray which to turned to black…

A few seconds later my eyes pattered open to a white tiled ceiling. (To Be Continued…)



Posted: July 10, 2011 by Hevel in Family

It was falling apart-

Is falling apart               

Becoming a “forgotten beauty”                       

Memories once filled with confusion and epiphanies                                   

With neglected misgivings and forgivings

It’s purpose being fulfilled          

I’m being fulfilled because of it                 

Following suit                          

Dismissing from my mind past mistakes

And with them, their closely followed retakes

Free of my mind and self 

Placing my old thoughts and cognition on a shelf           

For everyone to see…                    

But without anyone to need                            

No longer prone to perfection

But content with just correction                               

The growth in my brokenness      

Mending the cracks of the surface                                  

Within my very soul-    

Oh, what it means to be whole                  

I have always been creating these short- yet sometimes long- “blogs” in my head.  Even before I started writing a blog and even before we had a blog. I have been doing this for a jolly well long time, explaining the meaning of anything and everything, telling myself stories, and attempting to tell myself that I am smart by explaining how to do something like… a fakie full cab flip. Maybe it’s because I need more friends to talk to or maybe it’s because I am hoping that some day someone will ask me about something like… how to do a fakie full cab flip or something like that.  I have convinced myself that it must be the latter, but not just specifically about a fakie full cab flip (which, by the way, is formely called a cabellerio flip), but simply about… everything. I find this a immensly helpful exercise when digesting my thoughts and ideas, especially the important ones (the ones that would make me look like a genius if asked about one of those thoughts or ideas because really I am, but I haven’t been asked the right question yet).

In Salt Lake City, Utah there is a schizophrenic man who talks to himself.  He is homeless and nearly every weekday he goes to get in line to receive a free breakfast from Salt Lake City Mission. During a certain Friday in late May while he was at this breakfast, I found that he was very talkative, mumbling aloud his story to a boy I believed to have been named Bobby. Occasionally, turning his head a little bit to stare into the  empty, Salt Lake City air that was meant to be Bobby’s face. 

For some reason I have been thinking about this man a lot lately. I have been meaning to write about him for a over a week because I think he is completely awesome. Though I suppose I have written of him through one of my short “blogs”, but I didn’t know what the point would be.  I still believe I haven’t quite found the point, but while writing the first paragraph of this post, I thought of him and I came to the realization that his mumbling aloud of his story and anything else he might speak of is a lot simaliar to my explaining everything and telling  my stories through the short blogs that I create in my mind. So we are kind of alike in that way which, to me, is really cool.

So on the topic of this explaining one’s thoughts and telling one’s story, I think that I personally don’t appreciate how going through this process has really helped me and does really help me to digest certain things that I am thinking about and how doing this helps me to be more appreciative of those things no matter how simple or how seemingly pointless they are. I also think that if everyone did this then people would be more thankful and loving and understanding towards the things and people that surround them everday. Therefore, like my friend in Utah, I plan on continuing to sort through my thoughts and tell my story to anyone and everyone.

(P.S. Sorry if this didn’t make any sense at all.)

At least once a day I find myself sitting on our wooden kitchen floor staring at our fridge.  I stare there for long periods of time always hoping and imagining  for something new and different, for foods that aren’t needed to be prepared with any effort. This dissatisfaction is healthy yet  very unhealthy.  It is healthy to me because I think it is good to strive for something new and better.  It is very unhealthy because, well for many reasons, but the whole selfish and discontent aspect of it all is what I think is mostly the problem.  Like most things my conundrum is both right and wrong both flawed and perfect both good both evil.  Maybe not that far out, yet still.

In John 18:38 Pilate asks Jesus,” What is truth?”  The funny and annoying thing about it is Jesus never had the chance to answer.  After a long car ride from Wyoming to Greeley Colorado I began to understand that truth is both good and evil and that there is a little bit of truth in everything even lies.  Because of this belief, I think that there is truth in me having a yearning for different foods when I am sitting on my kitchen floor while staring at  my fridge.  Typically I would think that there is no truth much less a point in sitting on my kitchen floor while staring at my fridge, yet right now I find a sort of poetic appreciation for such things as this. Also I have been pondering the purpose for… everything, mostly existence though both mine, your’s, and everyone else for that matter.  When I am in a careless mood I find myself thinking that the only point I am here is to distract myself with habits from anything of any meaning.  This is where all that sitting on the floor comes into play.  When I am on the wooden floor in my kitchen, I am distracting myself with food that I’m not going to eat anyway and am distracting myself with the habit of doing this from anything of meaning. The irony of this whole ordeal is when I am sitting there I find myself pondering things of meaning like God and… God. I will continue to go through this process for the sake of finding purpose in God and what God has for me. ( Sorry if not everything was grammatically correct.)